8/8/15 - 4 days til 12 years

I've written almost every year in a public forum, around the anniversary of my mother's death.

It's a strange thing.... every year that creeps by, there this date is. Her birthday, and her death day. a space of a month where every year memories trickle out of the wood work. Like she's trying to remind me of us.

This year her birthday rocked me. Like from the inner part of my being... I was sad. Vicerally sad.

It's  a weird thing.... making peace with my mother's death... and I suppose subsequently... making peace with her life as well.

I have spent so much time wondering why... why me? and how? how me? how her? how us?

I have spent the past 12 years delving deep into my very core to find myself.... what my mother believed ultimately killed her. Her never making peace with her past... and so, completely unconsciously at first... I unpeeled the layers of my own sorrow.

I found that my true sadness lay in my feelings of abandonment and feeling unloved. It was a drape I wrapped myself in and made myself at home. So much of the life I ended up with after my mother died felt so lonely... there I was in all the evidence I needed. Everyone I had ever loved had abandoned me at one point. Why could I not keep friends? Why could I not find someone to just love me unconditionally?

My journey led me to see that my life was a dichotomy of such deep love and such deep sorrow.... and that I too have been a culprit of letting others down.... in my depression, I wouldn't answer calls, wouldn't visit anyone, I just couldn't love. I needed to be loved..... but being loved hurt....

unbeknownst to me... love reminded me of the love I lost in my mother... too painful to feel... I surrounded myself with surface love.

Through the special touch friends and family... I slowly started coming out of that desperate place.... believing I was unloved... and searching for unlove... letting the love I already had in... loving the people that loved me back... and not always finding unrequited love.

The years have brought me to a place where I can finally see how each step pushed me further into the person I am today.... and further into my dreams coming true.

I suppose I am not conventional... I never had lofty dreams of being anything..... I just wanted to meet my biological father.... I wanted to change the world... and feel happy and free.

I had no idea how any would ever be possible. But those were always my dreams.

*********
My mother died on a full moon. I remember watching her take her last breath.. holding her hand...

as soon as the wait ended.. and we knew she was really gone.... a bunch of things happened.... people arrived in the midst of it all... and I was overrun with grief, trying to manage all of our emotions... I ran out to our back deck.. and there was the moon. golden orange on the horizon and I cried.... That deep grief cry.. where the silence of the spaces between the sound dig deep... where the entire forest gets quiet... and you are just left with that space in your soul that feels empty.

left with my own breath.... I felt like I was suffocating.... like a weight had just landed on my chest... a deep distance... that I would never be rid of.

*****
the past week I have had random memories of the funeral. How many people came.. how loved my mother truly was.... and yet I see how isolated she made herself. How she in my later years of life lost something of herself.... she wasn't the woman I grew up with anymore....

and I am thus reminded of my childhood. It was simple, but full of love and colour... art and dance.... face painting... My mother took such pride in me that I always wanted to make her proud.... we fought all the time... and there were things that she couldn't handle about me.

But she loved me... in a way that I only wish all people were loved.

I could be anyone.. and I never would have been a disappointment. I could have done anything... and she never would have made me feel a failure.

It was one of the things I complained about most.... that she told me I could be ANYTHING... a musician, an actor, a lawyer, a doctor, a politician, a dancer, an artist.

Well, I became a server. I guess.

*****


*****

My mother's death catapulted me into questions that I could not answer unless she had died. Her death allowed me to discover my own path.. and helped me make conclusions on my own, without her input.

I am still growing....

But I am starting to feel more like her... I am starting to feel like the woman I grew up with... and through my own experience.. I am starting to see who she was when I met her.. and who she became over my life.

I suppose in a way, its my unconscience trying to cheat death by taking on a hypothesis, that you have to find yourself in your life... and it's worth your life to do so.

I have always felt a failure.

Being a server continuously.. losing jobs after the summers.... trying to find new paths... but always coming back to serving... I have felt a failure...

But it is where I have ended up that gives me all the evidence I need to see that this life... serving, has saved me so many times..... and that if it weren't for losing everything.. time and again.... and ending up here, in Bobcaygeon, serving.... this journey to meet Patrick would never have been what it was.


When I go to work and serve people on the river in bobcaygeon... I always feel a sense of peace... that my day consists of talking to people, feeding them, helping them enjoy their time together... while watching blue herons fly in, the ducklings grow up... every new person catching a glympse of the Bobcaygeon Dolphin, our local carp... watching kids and families jump off the dock.... it brings me such joy... such simple pleasure.

My life has become like a story in my head I was trying to write... but didn't know. I never wanted to be a server for ever... but I wanted to feel free. And serving has always caught me. I have sacrificed direction... for waking up every morning and feeling calm .. hearing roosters... and hanging out with the dogs and cats. I live a very simple life. 

I never knew this is what I needed. I thought I was meant for bigger things... you know with changing the world and all.... but alas... it was to here. Where I can sleep and be quiet with myself...and make just enough money to get by.


********

It is the start of the Perseides Meteor shower... every year on the anniversary of my mother's death.. the sky opens up to reveal the most amazing light show of your life. Every year is different... and sometimes the clouds hide the magnificence..... but when you are lucky... the universe' fireworks put on a show to make you feel small again.. and mesmerized by the beauty of the natural world.

They calm me, when inside I feel so empty with out her.

A dichotomy always. That I miss her.... and I am ok that she is gone.

******

My abandonment and loneliness issues starting dissipating when I started to teach myself to be WITH myself.. and enjoy my time alone. To spend time just with nature.... and learn to trust the universe.

When I left my ex boyfriend.. or I should say, when I gave in and stopped fighting... and watched him drive away with no car, no job, no way to pay the rent.. in nursing school.

With a little help from my family...and friends.. I survived. I found peace with myself those days on the farm alone.

and it deepened my belief that even when I feel utterly lost and alone.. the universe is always conspiring in my favor.

2 years ago, this anniversary brought my fall. I had met someone that I really connected with and he went back to his own country... My car died, my computer died, I couldn;t pay my phone.... so my phone died... I couldn't focus... my anxiety built to an all time high and I became so calm.... I gave permission to give in.. and like my mom would say... let go and let god.

I watched slowly how I thought quitting nursing school would help me back on my feet... but I kept falling.. until finally I felt I had to leave. I couldn't pay rent and it was my only option. Find someone to take care of my cats and records and pile everything else I had into my car.... and go where the wind wants to take me.... direction. WEST.

I made it to Bobcaygeon. And in my surrender... I found James.

I found someone who just loves me. We may not understand each other completely.... but he took me in, he took care of my heart, and my soul, my body when I needed him the most. He helped me find myself... and my heart again. He gave me permission to be.

He makes me laugh... and he dances with me in the kitchen.

He exposes me to new knowledge and challenges me to look deeper. He gives me the space I need to be myself and he makes me feel safe.

It is because of him, and this house, and this family, Bobcaygeon and my job, the car that my family helped get me when I broke up with my ex....

It was the love I found for myself and ultimately attracted into my life... that allowed me to pursue my ultimate dream of meeting my dad.

********

My journey really has been about making peace with feeling abandoned. My first experience was my biological father abandoning me. My whole life I fought with that feeling of not being loved by him.. of not being good enough to keep him around.... of something I can't articulate....

To lose my mother.... the world became an unwelcoming, unloving place... where I couldn't even let myself enjoy the good.. all I saw was my heart being broken.

Every man I feel in love with would break my heart.... it was a never ending cycle.... and the only thing that fixed it was learning to love myself... above all else...

It's still a journey and I still fight with my own demons... my confusions... my loving myself....

I still smoke. Which pretty much sums it up in my head.

Learning to love myself is learning to forgive myself for the person I have become... the person I have been... to make peace with the fact that sometimes I have had to abandon people.. not because I don't love them... but because they don't fit with who I want to be... or who I am.

I had to make peace with the abandonment.... and the feeling unloved and tell myself that we are all on our own path.. and sometimes it is ok to go your own way and not know why... and when you follow your own heart... how it leaves other people is their business..... and when other people follow their hearts.. and it leaves me broken.. that's my business.

Its a precarious balance... loving and letting go of getting HURT. grieving yes... but not holding on to the pain of it all.

Forgiveness.

Giving and loving unconditionally.

One of the reasons... I believe... that this journey to meet Patrick has been so important.. is it arises from my forgiveness.... from my healing my own abandonment.. and wanting nothing in return.. but to give love.

To receive it is more than I could ever have asked for.

Mum used to say.. God is love. and when you are in the hands of god you are love.

It's a difficult thing to love.... unconditionally. To let someone else be entirely themselves.....

It is just as difficult to love myself unconditionally... to let me be entirely myself..... and to not feel guilty for not being the person I thought I would be by now.

I only hope that the few steps I make in continually stretching myself... by following my heart I will become her... and in the mean time to keep making peace with my life.

*******
25 years ago this weekend I was in Manitoulin Island for the pow wow. It is one of my favorite memories from being a  kid. It was the weekend I met who would become my step dad... and climbed dreamers rock. It was a magical place.... and I have my favorite picture of my mom and I there. I remember thinking... one day I will make the journey back here. One day my vision quest will have me end up here.... like the tales I had been told about why dreamer;s rock was so powerful.

I have always wanted to scatter some of mom's ashes there.

*******

I miss her...my mom. it's been a long 12 years.

but it seems fitting that she died on the 12th. and 12 years after she died... I found my father.

And we get to write our new tale.

Reflection. Day 1. Mothers day.

It is a strange feeling going home. Sad to say goodbye to the travels... but excited to come home with new eyes.

I am changed. I am not sure how yet. But i feel different. Calmer. More sure of myself. More full of love.

I am day dreaming again. Thinking of all the places we went..... where i would like to live next..  or at least sometime along my journey of life.

It has become quite apparent to me that i want to keep moving. Trying on spaces. Changing faces.... building and deepening relationships.

Deepening myself.

I want to finish nursing school and learn to practice in the rural setting. I want to be able to go anywhere and get a job.

I don't need much to be happy. But adventure and nature... and people close to me that understand my true nature and want to show me theirs.

How blessed i truly am to have all these beautiful souls in my life. I only wish it weren't such a long way to see them.

I lost my marbles on this trip. I gave them away to almost everyone that effected me on this trip. A few passed me by before i remembered..... but it was to signify the frienSHIP. And to remind everyone of the child inside them that dreams bigger.... for more for our souls.

This was and continues to be an epic journey...  one i am only beginning to process. Its difficult to reflect on something so personal.... especially publicly... but alas i believe that if i have any thing to share its my experience and the lens through which i observe it.

So..... i bow to the great and all mighty universe. For being so kind to my broken heart. My whole life i felt like if i just hold on... to forgiveness.. to kindness. .. to manners.... to learning... to adventure...to learning to feel and trust my intuition...to following my heart.... someday my pain will dissipate... someday i will be able to look back and see why the pain had to happen. I suppose its the consolation prize.... but really.. deep within my soul... it helps make me feel whole... like i am part of the light and dark. That my pain... feeling so abandoned and unloved...forgotten...betrayed..degraded...bullied...hurt...depressed...lonely...and unwanted...alone.... the pain and the loneliness gave way to something far greater than that. It forced me to make peace with myself.

I had to make peace with the choices i made. I had to make peace with the men i had chosen to give my time to. I had to make peace with my loneliness.... the quiet that all the hurt brought me forced me into reflecting... filling my time with only the things i enjoy. Forgiving myself for eventually wanting to just be alone.

I had to and ultimately have to ...forgive my mother... which on this... mothers day seems fitting.

I struggle constantly between feelings of betrayal... love.. understanding... forgiveness... but that my voice is tied. That the conversation cannot happen is the hardest thing to both figure out and to let go of.

All i know is the all pervasive thought through out this trip was that she had to die for this all to happen. And yet i believe i dont have to follow her road for my children to learn the same.

For others to learn the same. I have to just stay true to my heart. True to my dreams. True to what i still want to learn and where to go. Always being open to new experiences.

That my mother had to die. Yes. And yet i hate her for that. I hate her for leaving me with all this shit to figure out on my own.... and yet had she been there i feel i would have struggled so much with our relationship i would have pushed away so many of the thoughts i have had to have over the years.

In the end without her i start a new chapter in my life knowing patrick. There is no residual relationship. Its new.

The way every relationship should be.... that with every new person we can paint ourselves anew... over time discovering what parts of us make ourselves feel the best and holding on to those.... so when we get to the person that matters most... we are truly the people we had hoped to become.

I am proud of myself in a way i cant even express... i am humbled that my heart has taken me exactly where i needed to be for this to happen.

That i am... in a perfect pocket...and had been all along... that i am the light and the dark... the colours of the rainbow...of the sunrise and sunset....of a tapestry of moments..... like a 3D painting with texture and depth... with movement...i write my story... i take what i am given and know that it has always happened for a reason...

So that when sadness and darkness creep in again... i will always have this feeling to hold on to. Always a reference of reward for growth... that life is a cycle..a wave... and that as we grow things change... plans change.... desires change... to be willing to go with it... to find the positive and keep on moving.

And then i got to come home....

★******************

As i wrote the title to this post and went to publish it.. i realized i didn't really finish reflecting on it being mothers day.

Lets just say i basically ignored this fact until it was over. I am triggered still by my mother not being alive. I suppose i just miss her. And love her epically. I don't believe everything she did...but she gave me the best foundation to grow out of her. She gave me all the tools i needed to survive.

She breathed life into me and gave me the questions to ask. She gave me unconditional love ... open...honest and vulnerable. Even if i didn't agree all the time with her methods... i couldn't have survived life without her being so transparent to me as a child.

We lost that transparency somewhere along the way... and maybe it was my highschool years that did it..forcing a wedge between us that we mended but never got to taste the fruits of.

I'm sad we didn't have the time to become friends... to become transparent again... to know about her as a person.

All i know is that she loved deeply... and so how sad it is that she didn't consider me in the will. How difficult it has been to forgive her for the lot of secrets she didn't share and the distance we left with.... for the time we could have had with knowing each other wholly and imperfectly.

I suppose that is what it ultimately is. To forgive her for not being here to share my life with... and believing that somehow we are. That our bond can never be erased that we are still together and that she has been sharing in it all with me.

If somehow there is part of her that can still sense me. I hope she knows how much i love her and how grateful i am that she chose the man she did to make me. How thankful i am to have my tale.

I once heard someone say my mother once joked that she had a tryst with an irish sailor and i was the product of that. Whatever i know. I was born out of love... a moment of time. Between two people that followed their hearts... And that has been where i have stayed...even if i didn't know it for all those years.

I miss her. My mother.

Mum....i miss you and wish i could share.... cry on your shoulder...be held in your arms. Hold you. I miss holding you. I miss loving you. I miss being amanda and dana. You are always in my heart.

Happy mothers day mum.

Angels on your pillow.
Xo

Amanda noelle camellia jones

May 8th - sault ste marie. Last day.

This is a weird feeling. It has been so hard to write. I do this. Procrastinating writing. Waiting for the right time to sit down with myself and my emotions.

It has been difficult to give myself that time..... i just want to be present to the experience.... the conversation... i want to wait to reflect.

But alas i am at my final day and i have to make myself reflect.

May 3rd full moon rising over the prairies.

Stayed an extra lazy day in tete jaune... beautiful day back down the Rockies yesterday. Happy to see my old stomping grounds. Reminded me of the last family trip my mom and step dad took.... how he regaled me with stories of doing his masters research.... i learned about mountain formations and alluvial fans that day... as we visited my friend matt at the Athabasca ice fields and frank painted the picture of what he imagined it would be like on Everest.

Went back to numtijah lodge at bow lake. It feels like eons ago. In Banff i couldn't even recognize the building where i lived and worked.

Funny to think all the lifetimes i have lived since....and that that would be the last trip we were a family.

Calgary with an old friend from high school.

Driving across the prairies into Regina.. staying with britt's cousin who lived up in Churchill in the 60s and ended up working for cbc. Lovely couple.

Watched the sun set and turned around to watch the full moon rise. What a perfect spot i found.... been a few days since sunsets :)

May the 4th be with you tomorrow :) as we venture to winnipeg to see jess' grandmas display at the manitoba hall of fame. Miss you grams :)

May 1 - cache tete jaune- hidden yellowhead :)

Out in cache tete jaune.... out in the sticks of bc along the fraser river just west of mount robson. Drove through snow to get here....low clouds..drizzly .... we went for a tour along the back roads near the Fraser.

Saw my very first moose and called to a great horned owl as we watched it cut across the gap in the trees above our heads...calling and crossing the road 3 or 4 times :)

Chilled out night in the boonies...made me remember why i love our. little home in the country so much :)

2 weeks :)

Back to banff tomorrow :)

Britt's friend we are staying with has the coolest jobs  ...driving the tundra buggy up in churchill with the polar bears and documenting the belugas :)

Turns out he knows a few people both my bf jamie knows and..he lived in panorama for a year and knows people neil and julie know..... small world :)

April 30 - Day 38

Leaving inveremere today...headed to jasper. 

So sad to go. Went on an amazing tour of the golf course with the kids.... dreaming out loud....and hanging at the skate park...it has been lovely to be around kids again. Lovely to be around old friends.... dreaming of the day i get to actually live here.

Invermere to jasper.....
memories long past. The last trip i took with my mom and step dad. The last time we were still a family.

Special place that highway :) cant wait!

April 28- invermere

Well we have arrived and they are just as great as i have remembered. Married now with two kids they live in a beautiful house on the ski hill. Ive always wanted to live here... even for just a year.

I saw a wolf today.... 20 minutes after asking the universe to see one.

We made eye contact. Gratitude.

Serendipity rained on us as soon as we got into town...met 2 women from ontario.  and the only person we asked for directions for the liquor store happened to work for my friends :)

Funny this journey...making peace with the past.

I am exactly where i am supposed to be.

God's country.

April 28 Vancouver and kelowna

We ended up having to wait 3.5 hours for our ferry to cross back on to the mainland... we got in really late and my phone died, without a way to charging it.... we were so lucky to get a hold of our cousin and her fiancee :) we had a brilliant evening with them and i had such a good sleep :)

We were off the next morning...one last stop at the beach. One gift to pick up...and a few more postcards...

We were so lucky to know people in kelowna...and how gracious they were to host us :) fresh salad and a chocolate pot de creme home made with these amazing cherries on top....i savoured every bite....
And thank god for on demand we caught up on greys and game of thrones :)

Sadly i didnt get many pictures and the visit was too short.

Kelowna. Hard to leave the ocean. Hard to leave the magic. Hard to leave new friends that made me feel totally seen and heard and completely ok to be myself.
It has been 14 years since i found myself in Invermere, BC with one of the most beautiful families i know.

I finished high school a week early to get a job out west. I worked at bow lake for 8 days, sprained my ankle, one of the tourists sprayed bear spray in the gift shop and we couldn't breathe and i was accused of stealing 50$ while running for oxygen.

I was fired.... that day, mom's friends from high school, just happened to be driving through banff on their way to their cottage in invermere.... i was invited to join.

My first morning caesar, dirty scrabble and meeting mom's friend's amazing daughter ..and her boyfriend....

I had worn her daughter's hand me downs as a kid....

I spent Canada day long weekend there...  ever since ive called it gods country.

I ended up getting dropped off at the hostel in banff and finding a job at a place called orca canada...my apartment had bright orange shag carpet and i loved every minute of it.

I got to go to stampede and go to one of the most memorable parties of my life

I haven't seen them since that summer and haven't seen her parent's since mum's wedding day.

Cant wait to see them.

Going back to my adult roots. Circa 2001

Where it all began.

April 26 - day 34 since leaving canada

Went to tofino to digest everything. Found the wildness in my soul.

Saw a full rainbow around the sun and then moon. Saw a whale and soaked in the hot springs.... played with magic fire in the rain

met a man who was there to scatter his father's ashes.

And made two amazing friends who were brought to us through a rainbow solar light bottle that had never worked before and never again.

I have never felt so small and never felt so big.... so calm and so wild....so present.

Amanda n.c. jones

April 21st - day 29 one month since i left bobcaygeon.

I haven't posted because my thoughts have not come yet.

I can only describe it as beautiful.

Being inside all this love is a soul shifting experience.

He is everything i hoped he would be,  my father.

He is warm and intelligent... interested in the world and interested in me. He doesn't seem to mind all my questions...and what is amazing is we are creating a relationship of complete honesty.

Its pretty beautiful... and i feel weightless. So much so that it is very difficult for me to bring it into words.

Im still finding little things in my head to worry about... but really its just habit.

I have completed a must do. And i feel privileged to sit in a pocket of completion and happiness.

I am so proud of myself for never giving up on my heart.

I told him that in the end i would have been ok no matter what happened or how he felt..   i just needed to know from him.

And this couldn't have gone any better.

It is almost too overwhelming. He is real... this man in my head.

I told him that i am scared about maybe getting a blood test... that if we found out he wasn't actually my biological father my entire paradigm would shift and i don't know how i would be.... he said ' well i don't know about you, but im almost 100% certain'.

He said he can see himself in me.

I cant even process how that feels.

Fucking genes :) lol. Its so funny the impact your genetic makeup can have on you.

I suppose he makes me feel more confident in being me.... that i am perfectly me :)

Couldnt have asked for a better person to get to know.

Going to get a tattoo today :)

Amanda

April 17 the night before.

I finally found my light.

I have talked to a few of the most important people... i could tonight....

Barry... my brother reminding me not to be nervous. My friend deb telling me that she loves me and that i am wonderful... to jamie about how if i dont have any expectations i can react to what is actually happening not to what im scared of happening.... to d'artagnon, britt and john.

Patrick and my entire relationship has been based on complete authenticity and vulnerability.... and that i just wanted to meet him as two adults interested in getting to know each other..... but then i started feeling the magnitude of the hope this experience holds from the perspective of my teensy self and it feels like i waited and fought internally for this my whole life.

Its like the magnitude of the relief became so overwhelming that i started feeling heavy again... concerned about the outcome.... terrified he wouldn't show up and i would seem like a fool.

Scared he wouldnt like me. ... worried about putting pressure and not knowing how to not have that happen.. .. i got so caught up in my thoughts....

And finally i have found my light again. That yes it is a relief. I deep relief but only in it is just a great chapter. No matter what happens this trip has been amazing... and i feel so blessed.... reconnecting with so many of the people i love has been so special and this is just another reconnection... that it should be the same as all the others.

Lori and the boys, amanda, sean, ron, Andrew, sandra, sally, jessixa and chris, Kristen , Dennis, Amy and stew , Heather and braden, David and Elaine , Lauren, Jodi and Aaron, vicky and her boys, jorje, rj and steph, ruth and her parents carrie and chris, patti, bob and will, asylan, bill,  uncle rick, the redwoods, lesley and steve, ki, christoph and john, anya and john paul, rose and john, jamie, deb, and all the people back home and of course britt....

This journey has been amazing. My life is full of extraordinary people and i am made up of each person ....i have picked the best parts of all the people i have ever met.. and although i am still a work in progress... i like the person i am and the person i am headed to become someday and in the end... tomorrow is just two souls meeting that have something in common.

I am excited to see what the unknown will bring.

Whatever tomorrow brings... tonight is the end of a a very long chapter in my life and i am so thankful.

Tomorrow is the beginning of the rest of my life and i hope to be as authentic and bubbly..as crazy and intense....as bold and as loving and above all else... as present as all those who love me know me to be.

I am me and you have all proven to me that i am not all that bad. So thank you. For giving me the courage and strength to just be me... and for even being interested in my little..crazy... rediculous... life.

With all my gratitude.

Love and light.

Angels on your pillow.

Amanda Noelle Camellia Jones.

Day 25 victoria

Day 25. Victoria.

We made it..... crossed on the ferry this afternoon. Sitting in my god parents , rose and john's garden.... 25 years since they last saw me.

Woke up at 8am for kundalini yoga with Ki. If you ever need to cry.... kundalini yoga is for you!.... lovely release.

I suppose one of the hardest things in life is to give yourself permission to let go of the weight that becomes so familiarly natural. And letting yourself breathe in to the space of light.

Meeting patrick for lunch tomorrow on the infamous boat..... i left bobcaygeon the day after the new moon. I meet him on the new moon. Epic.

Overwhelmed.

Relaxed.

Nervous.

Happy.

At peace.

He has asked me to not post pics of him and i will honour that....  funny he got a daughter who pushes herself to be so vulnerable and open. Funny i got the dad who prefers to remain anonymous :)

In love and light.
Amanda noelle camellia jones.

Day 24 vancouver.

8 years ago on march 20 I got this far.... to celebrate ki's 25th birthday. 8 years later i left bobcaygeon on march 21st. 27 days since i left my home. 24 days since we left canada together....britt and i.

In vancouver. Going to spend the afternoon alone. Breathing in this journey and reflecting on the fact that tomorrow i make the final step towards fulfilling a lifelong dream.

To become a fully integrated human being. Building love in myself and helping it grow in others. I am whole and wholy in love with myself and my life.

And for the first time i get to share it with the man that loved my mother enough to make me :)

I am so very blessed. And so blessed to have two of the very best friends a girl could ask for...  leaving from Kristen s house and ending up here with Ki How lucky i am to be so supported and loved.

Om mani padme hum.
Amanda noelle camellia jones.

Day 22/23 April 14/15, 2015

I have 4 hours to sleep... tomorrow we return to Canada... but I feel it imperative that I write a blog post before we leave.

I am so thankful to have spent the past two full days here. To get closer to our cousin.. a vibrant, beautiful woman who is so incredibly inspiring.. and who just loves me.

Britt and Lesley have given me insight into some of the questions I have had...

I have noticed how I'm struggling with being completely present with myself... like quiet in the presence of anyone else is so uncomfortable... something that I know I have to embody when I meet Patrick.

I know i have to be myself... but the calm version of me.... the patience I have fostered over my life... but something I have only really learned to foster inside during moments of transition over the past year and a half. ..... to feel safe inside... with others around... no matter what is going on.... it has all been leading me here.

to come to a place where I can let him give.. and to not have to fill up the space... to be okay in quiet surrender to the moment.

Every emotion has come up for me over the past 3 days... my energy has been very high and is only now finding its quiet again.

Lesley made a comment about how in a way I am finishing something mom couldn't... and that I am stronger than her in a way.

It's difficult to sit in trust when I feel so scared.... trust that the universe is always conspiring FOR YOU... no matter what the outcome.

But I know that;s what the next 2 days are for.... the trust. for everything to settle into me... and for me to become completely present to the space that is created by me meeting my biological father.

To let go of all doubts, fears and hesitation.. to embody the woman I have become and trust myself and create a space where he also feels safe. 

I saw a rainbow today and was also in the presence of some very special sentimental objects that had a profound impact on my feeling so very priveledged and blessed....

to be here.

America has proven exciting, and friendly. We have had such an adventure.... and I am so thankful for all the souls that have taken us in, taken me in... met me for lunch... or on the road... everyone that has shared a moment with me.... and that I can take in my story. Your legacy is my story.. and I feel so blessed to have such amazing souls in my life.

I am so excited to be back in Canada... I love my country. I love our colourful money... and I can't wait to step foot on Vancouver Island..... my biggest dream.

My deepest desire.

My soul.

All I can tell myself right now is

JUST BREATHE
JUST BELIEVE
JUST BE.

Wish me luck!

3 days.

Amanda

Day 18

Thank god for our cousin Lesley... greetings of deer when we arrived ...wine... a lovely dinner of salad and stew... the most spectacular view of mount hood ....oregon.... more red wine. Beautiful conversation ...her playing the guitar and a hot tub to finish the night.... im warm...clean and ready for sleep in a cozy warm bed. I am so lucky.
Also thought it was saturday evening... i lost a day somewhere.
Angels on your pillow. Xo
5 days.

The evening.

The red woods really stand at attention at the gates of glory.

Of all things knowing the red woods exist has given me so much strength. I have wanted to come here for as long as I can remember.

They withstand so much ... grow stronger each year  and give each other space.

I feel humbled in this space. Like they hold the key.

They have seen so much and I feel honoured to be here among them.

I had to get here before I met my dad. I had to get this grounded. Like all my experience started off with wanting to be an ewok as an 8 year old.  I love the forest.

I'm learning to make peace with mother nature and to respect her awesomeness and wisdom.

Love together...yet a part.

The redwoods give me strength. Courage. Confidence.

Love from the red woods.

Xo
Amanda

4/11/15 day 19.

It's Saturday morning. 11 4 15. 15/15= 30. I mentioned to britt last night how I'm starting to get scared. She told me she can only imagine how it must be scary.

It's a funny thing fear.... opening up to the ultimate. Every man in my life has let me down except James.
I know I am intense. I know that I can be too much sometimes and the deepest parts of me knows that this man, my father is no different than any other man.

He never tried to come find me. He didn't search me out. I put this on him.... the man who stayed away.

I only hope that when I meet him I can stay true to myself. Be as authentic as I can be and come from a place of honesty and vulnerability and only hope that we mesh. That our insecurities don't sabotage the experience.

It is not an uncommon thing in my life to have a man that cares and loves me....avoid me. ... but I suppose it's all been preparing me to accept that I can survive anything that happens.

My friend Asylan said to me that all expectations dropped...  It's me meeting my maker. That's what it is.

And that feels terrifying.

I am so glad that we did this trip like this. I'm so glad to have camped for the last week. I needed to get back to nature. I needed to get back to me.

I needed to trust myself on a deeper level. I needed to sleep under the stars. Listen to the sounds of nature. Push myself.

I needed to sleep on the earth and have her remind me that I am small. I needed to have her remind me that all my troubles are just ripples.... that I am here and  go someday.... and to just enjoy the journey.

We are going to the red woods today.

2.5 years ago I met a man named Tyler and we spoke about the red woods. On the day I met Jamie.... We had a conversation about how I was going to let everything go...accept my fate and make my way out west.... the trees were calling me.

Jamie came into my life that same day. November 7, 2013. And everyday I told jamie that no matter how in love with him I fall... I have to go out west. I have to be with the trees and I have to meet my father.... 1.5 years later.... Today I get to go be with the trees.

1 week from today I will be meeting my father.

Yesterday we drove up from bodega bay to just past Westport. We had a glass of wine at the Pacific star winery and watched for whale spouts.

The night before we met a couple who reminded me of James and I and we camped with them.... they made Mr fall more in love with what I have. I am so lucky to be so in love.

the night before we stayed at sunset state beach park just outside of Monterrey.

The ocean is calming me.
I am so lucky.
Amanda.

Day 15 California!

It's so weird apparently my other posts haven't published and there isn't even the drafts saved :(

I can't use my other phone unless I have WiFi and so I've just downloaded blogger to our American phone... because of camping though I have to be conservative with how much time I use on the phone.... need it to still have power to call out if we need it.

We made it to the coast last night.... We woke up in morro bay California after an epic journey across arizona and the south of California!

Yesterday was full of wind storms, sand storms, rain, and an epic road through the foothills of southern California along hwy 58. Almost running out of gas... 70 miles took us 2 hours :)

I am so lucky.

Today has been so beautiful! Every turn as or more beautiful than the last. I'm finding myself more and more emotional at the thought of meeting my dad.

No matter how beautiful and amazing this trip is... how epic. Nothing will compare to meeting my maker.

No expectations.

I am the luckiest girl on the face of the planet....

I spent so many years feeling sorry for myself.... how could my mother die when I was just 20? Why did I have to feel so alone... my heart broken by every man I have ever met?
So that I could welcome this journey with open eyes and open arms.... knowing that my heart could handle anything.... I am strong. I am alive. And I am so blessed. Forgiveness and love are the only answers to our lives.

Being the fool and loving no matter what the pain or cost..... staying open to wonder. Holding innocence through experience... welcoming the dark with the light.

My night under the eclipsing moon... The grand canyon under full moonlight. Changed me. The half way point. Literally.

I climbed cathedral rock in sedona on Easter Sunday.... I stood in the vortex and felt the wind build around me....  I fought self doubt... I pushed myself... I trusted myself and the earth.... I'm making peace with her... mother nature.

Spending time with one of my mom's closest friends' daughters....who also lost her mother... to show her the deep love.... we've only met 4 times in our lives but we are deeply connected to the balance and through embracing the gift and gratitude of our loneliness.

This trip is so deeply epic.... I am in constant awe of the weather... of the people I surround myself with... of how every moment of my life has been waiting for this journey... and how thankful I am for Brittany.

I will forever be in her debt. She drives. I document. I feel so privileged to be forging ahead ....

I can't believe we have made it to the coast.

I can't believe we are 10 days from meeting my dad. Who am I to be so lucky?

How simple happiness is...  to simply be present to the beauty... to continue to let go of all expectations.... to just be.

The sun is setting to our left.... as we cruise past monteray.... up hwy 1. Thanks uncle Rick for the suggestion.
In complete gratitude for this journey of self love. In hopes that I can share a little bit of my joy and love with all those that traverse this life with me.

As mum would say.
Angels on your pillow.

To the stars and back!
Xo
Amanda Noelle Camellia Jones.

Getting behind!!! Day 4!

Im getting behind!!!! Too little time to record everything!

And then everything got deleted :(

Headed from n.c. to Atlanta today:)

Cant wait to see my brother Chris :) and his wife carrie!!!!

Long, crazy, weird day yesterday in wilmington. N. C. ..but atleast we got to put our feet in the atlantic ocean :)

Spent time with my friend ruth....who worked teaching english in korea at the same time as me :)

So lovely to see her!

Cold day today.... gotta run.

Amanda

Bobcaygeon to rochester via guelph. Part 1

The past 5 days have been a whirlwind.....
Thursday was a staff meeting and picking up my cat from the vet...finishing all the to dos, packing and putting together some things for james that will help while im gone like a collage of pictures of us and a message i videotaped for him.

Friday i worked until 5, finished up some things and then ended up just hanging out with james and our neighbour ron for the evening... the boys burned our old bed and i played a bunch of the songs i like.

Saturday morning i woke up at 6 to finish my packing and be out of the house by 8... to get to guelph by 11 for one of my oldest friends, kristen's son's (xavier's) 1st birthday party!

Sadly when i woke up it was freezing rain and snowing and it wasn't supposed to let up til the afternoon.

I decided to not push myself and just wait it out. To be honest... it was also really difficult to leave jamie.... so we ended up staying in bed and cuddling, i took him to work and decided to stay until he was done so i could drive him to our friend's (Amanda) birthday party that night.

I spent the day puttering.... and was filly packed by the time he was done work. We left and went straight to Lindsay. It was so nice to see her and her husband and kids and our other 3 friends before i left.... and i finally got the amazing hand knitted hat amanda made for me :) it looks like a rainbow cupcake :) i wear it all the time :)

I waited an extra half an hour so i could see our other friends sally and travis and took off immediately after they arrived..

The action camera Ki had helped me buy and i ordered hadnt arrived .... so another friend sandra offered to lend me her go pro :) which i then had to drive to toronto to pick up :)

It was difficult for both jamie and i to part... but i think we just wanted the parting to be over... so he walked me to my car.... kissed me goodbye and we both went our separate ways....

I found the place i was sipposed to go and it turned out to be near where my mom grew up and where her parents and sister are buried... so i ended up trying to find the cemetery without gps or a map..... i thought it would be fitting.... ended up getting turned around and drove by the house on islington avenue that she grew up on and ended up not getting to the church..   but it wasnt meant to be 

I got to guelph pretty late. Ended up going  out to find a few friends, one of which's birthday was the day before...

Got to see my friend lauren ...who used to work at the convenience store across the road from where i lived when i went back to school to get my sciences...2010 :)

And ran into a few others. Had a burrito :) before heading back to kristen's house.

Fell asleep about 3 am...  up at about 6 because Dennis and xavier were up and i had to see and hang out with the little man.... it had been almost 6 months! Man hes not so baby anymore :)

Cutest thing in the world is watching a 6'4" man walking a 1 year old around the house,  the little one attached only by holding dad's fingers for balance... slept again off and on for the next 2.5 hours and finally got up around 9...and stayed til early afternoon...just hanging out.

Man i love them so much...they have such a beautiful family and a beautiful house and i am so proud of them! And so lucky they are so hospitable with me just stopping in :)

Kristen is 13 days older than me...her mom was one of my mom's very best friend's...she is my sister...my dharma sister.

Ok thats all i got right now... we are in rochester. Right now ...headed to north carolina tomorrow...early leaving and late arriving.

Hopefully ill get to write more tomorrow :)

Angels on your pillow
Amanda

last week - march 18, 2015

Wednesday, march 18- one month from the date i meet Patrick. i got to go for lunch at red lobster with his son/my brother and his wife,  Patrick's brother/my uncle, his neice/ my cousin, her 2 kids, and james.

How fitting we would end up at red lobster....

When i was little there was a red lobster at keele and finch.... we were so poor so mum would take me there for a bowl of clam chowder and the treasure box....

My first date with my brother was at red lobster.

The saddest thing is they got rid of the treasure box!!!!

It was so nice to see them..... its been over a year and a half since I've seen any of them and hadn't even met my cousins youngest kid.

My uncle oliver was the one i called when i was 12 years old....he got me in touch with my brother.... but we have only seen each other a few times over the years...  my dad being the elephant in the room.

My uncle hasn't seen or talked to him since 1989..... so maybe now that i am bridging this gap...healing can happen. Here's to hoping!

My brother told me that he is happy this is happening and that my dad is only now at a point where he is relaxed enough for this to happen... i know so little about him.... so glad I get to meet him now!

After seeing them i stopped in on my friend lori, she is a very special person to me and it was so nice to see her before i go :)

Lori and i have been friends since i moved to peterborough.... our lives are so serendipitous and we have gotten each other some seriously difficult times. Her daughter carissa was killed in a car accident in 2012 and i helped her set up the carissa sepe rainbow foundation. You can join the group on facebook if you would like :)

She is a single mom... and I've spent christmases and summer afternoons with her. We had our picture in the peterborough examiner and we have grown together.

She leaves near the warsaw caves now... my spiritual sanctuary. How fitting to be back there before i go.

st. patts

this week has already been epic. I bonded more with one of the women at work and shared with her my letters from my dad to my mom when she was pregnant ....i reread the letters.

the next day was st. patts. i got to talk to my dad, Patrick, for the second time in my life.

thats me on the phone with him :)

my whole life i didnt really know Patrick's birthday.... everyone was so uncomfortable with the whole situation that i didnt want to ask... all i knew is it was in march. so st. patts was always the day i celebrated him. so it was extra special. we talked about the trip... james and my feelings about him and our plan to meet. :) we've decided april 18. ... so we can spehnd the day together.


then one of my favorite people jessica came over and her fiance, chris , james and i spent the afternoon/ evening celebrating st. patts.

11 days til we leave.

It was Patrick's 69th birthday on March 10th. I've always been fascinated with numbers.... a childhood obsession..... 3s have always, for some reason held a special meaning for me. My grandmother died on 9/30/89. I was 6. My grandfather died on 1/1/92, I was 9. My mother died on 8/12/2003 in my 21st year... and this is my 33rd year.

How fitting I thought.

Everything is working out. Everything is coming full circle and I am just beside myself at the experience.

The thing I am becoming most aware of through all this is how deep the sadness in my heart had to get for me to be able to appreciate this.

My oldest friend, Ki, is in Thailand right now. Today. She is stepping her footprints into sand that I stood in after my surgery in Thailand, where I stepped forward into this part of my life. That was the place I came to see that the Universe was conspiring for me.

How funny the universe works.

How strange it was that I had been to 3 other countries that year and never bothered worrying about travel insurance..... but I had a feeling... a whisper... that said.. just make sure... write down all the info just so you have it....

And 10 hours later I was in the emerg department in Bangkok, Thailand.

We were supposed to get on a bus to Laos the next morning at 9am. We already had our tickets.

But I keeled over 2 hours after getting to Bangkok... and somehow... by some miracle.... ended up at one of the best hospitals in the world...... the scariest thing I have ever been through.... another language.... in mortifying pain.... without a mother to discuss the course of action with.... I had to make a decision that would alter my life.... I had my insurance info with me.... it was going to be paid for. All I had to decide was whether I needed surgery. On my ovaries. A cyst had been found that contorted around the ovary and was on the verge of rupturing.

I had like an hour to decide.

I wanted to live. That's all I knew. I wanted to live.

I had never even broken a bone. I had never been put under. and I had never really taken any prescription drugs... I had no idea if I had any allergies.... I knew that I could react to anything they gave me... I knew that something could go wrong... and I knew I could die.

I gave myself to the universe that day. I said..... I am OK if I die today. I am proud of myself. I have no regrets. But... please.... let me live.... I have so much more I want to do. please.

I woke up. The tube down my throat.... gasping for air..... choking.... waiting for breath to enter my lungs..... terrified that I would never feel the gasp of air again..... and then slowly. slowly..... I started breathing again....... my shoulders feeling like they were going to pop off my body. (from the CO2 pumped into my body.) I was in pain.... a pain I had never experienced before. But I was alive.

There was a thunder storm out my window that night. I lay in bed breathing in the sound of the rain, the thunder and the lighting. I cried.

The next day I found out that they had removed an ovary. A shock that ran so deeply into my soul I never really talk about it. No mother... and an even better chance of not being able to have children. Even writing right now, I realize it's a feeling I haven't felt in a long time. An experience I rarely share.

All my friends told me that that;s why they make 2 :) and I believed that... ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN and you have to just live.

That experience catapulted me into a totally new space where for 2 weeks I heard in my head..... "you have to go home to the love. "

I would tell myself..... "you are lying to yourself that you are unloved... you HAVE to go back and find it... you have to prove to yourself that you are loved....whatever it takes... you have to."

I left Phuket and sailed down the coast of Thailand. Learned how to scuba dive at Phi Phi island and thought I was going to die when I saw a shark swimming near me.

I could have gone anywhere... but I wanted to come home..... I came home to the deepest love from my friends Thao and Lynda who just took care of me while I tried to figure out what was next.

They reminded me that I was loved.... and I started to see that it was the loss of my mother that had convinced me I wasn't loved anymore... and the feeling any kind of love would trigger the loss of her so badly that I couldn't stand the feeling.... it was comfortable to stay away.... to date men who were just as detached to themselves... our hurt and pain brought us together and I learned that I still needed to learn to love myself again.

I went to nursing school... because I knew that medicine saves people sometimes and even though I fully support my mother;s belief that emotions contribute to illness.... I also believe that staying alive right now is the most important decision... I'm alive because of it.

These past 3 years have been about me walking into unknown spaces, terrified of the outcome.... walking away from an abusive relationship, letting my family love me enough to help me find a car..... letting my friends and family support me from afar and love me even though I have been distant...... trying to let love in. .. letting go of everything when I couldn't support myself any more and trusting the universe..... and finding James moments after believing I would survive.. no matter what.... and that something just needed to shift and I had to go along for the ride.

I feel like a free fall right now.... I have never felt so loved in my entire life... and I know that it's because for the first time since my mother died.... I am accepting that I was fully loved by her.... and the feeling no longer triggers the sadness.... now... it triggers the deep gratitude I have for her and her letting me go..... I wouldn't be here without her death..... it is only in through losing her that I have been able to fall and climb back up. Knowing.... love comes from within.

Meeting my father is the result of me giving up all expectations. To get to a point where I just wanted to love and didn't need any in return. I forgave him for the pain that I had experienced in feeling unloved by him... abandoned.... and thankful that he played some spectacularly interesting role in my life..... I couldn't have been able to write such an exciting tale....... to wait 32 years..... for it to finally be happening and for me to be able to share the journey with all the people I just adore is such a spectacular gift.

So thank you for wanting to be part... thank you for being part, for the love you have all shown me... teaching me to come back to my heart, teaching me to love myself despite the circumstances..... and letting me learn how to love again.


Finding James, and being able to come home to James is the coziest feeling I have felt in years. I feel safe in this relationship, I feel authentic and real. I feel that we are completely open to each other and honour our pasts. We love each other, trying to still remain separate. I wished he was going to come on this trip with me, but alas he is not. At first it made me sad, and I couldn't understand what I was feeling... I became critical of him... annoyed..... then I realized that I was trying to make it easier to break up..... In my sadness of him not coming, I was scared of breaking up... so I was making it happen.

The second I realized that maybe I was creating the very thing I was scared of... and decided to shift the way I thought about it.. I remembered... sometimes the things you want are not what you need.... I am imagining sending him postcards and being old school love. Still connected, yet far apart.

There is something really special about giving yourself permission to trust and love that deeply still... and I am so thankful that we are letting ourselves love despite our disappointment of not being together and the distance.

Going on this journey, truly feels like a full circle moment. Patrick and I have built the foundation of a lovely, safe relationship.... I am In love with my life here and I get to see some of my favorite people in the process :) I honestly feel like the luckiest girl in the world... and it all started that day in Bangkok, April 7, 2009.

I will be with Ki for the last two days before meeting Patrick. Her mother was my mother's best friend. There were three of them, and 3 of us. I leave from Kristen's house and end up with Ki.

:) luckiest girl in the whole wide world here :)

angels on your pillow.
thanks for being part of my life... and being part of my story.

Amanda

March 2, 2015 (2/3/15) - 21 days til we leave

It's amazing what a little excitement and a little encouragement can do for someone.

I went to my great aunt's 90th birthday party this weekend. How everything truly feels like it is coming full circle.

Our cousins are so excited about our trip, you can see in their eyes how happy they are for us, for me... and how excited some of them are for us to come visit, and how some just want to know what's going on. Our cousin Ali said that she would love to be able to follow us.

I had been thinking about doing a separate blog for this adventure, but I didn't want to feel presumptuous....so many of the people around me are going through heart ache and turmoil I feel almost embarrassed to be excited about this.

But alas, our cousins excitement gave me permission to feel the excitement for myself. And I decided to start a blog. Here it is. 21 days until we go.

Brit was here last night and today we were talking about it.... planning out our itinerary.

Amanda:
Bobcaygeon, Ontario - home
Toronto, Ontario - brother Barry
Guelph, Ontario - Best Friend Kristen's son, Xavier's 1st bday party
London, Ontario - Visiting friend Heather and meeting her new baby boy.

Britt and Amanda:
Guelph, Ontario/Erin, Ontario
Rochester, New York - friends Steph and RJ
Durham, North Carolina/ Wilmington, North Carolina - Friend Ruth
Atlanta, Georgia - Amanda's step brother Chris and his wife Carrie and their family
New Orleans, Louisiana - Crawfish and good music
San Antonio, Texas - Cousin Patti and Bob and their family
Pawhuska, Oklahoma - Cousin Nancysu
Albuquerque, New Mexico - Friend Asylan
Sedona, Arizona - hiking
Mather, Arizona (Grand Canyon) - camping
Las Vegas, Nevada - partying
Yosemite National Park, California - camping/hugging trees
San Francisco, California - Friend Jahan
Napa Valley, California - wine tasting
Red Wood National Park, California - camping/hiking/hugging trees
Mt Hood, Oregon - cousin Lesley
Seattle, Washington - good music/touring Bastyr University
Vancouver, British Columbia - Best friend Ki, cousins Mel and Kel, Friend Christoph, Friend John
Victoria, British Columbia - Amanda's God Parents Rose and John, friend Bev, friend Rowan,
AMANDA's BIOLOGICAL FATHER Patrick

and then we make the trip back.
Victoria, British Columbia
Vancouver, British Columbia
Kelowna, British Columbia - cousins
Vernon, British Columbia - High school friend Tanya
Invermere, British Columbia - Mom's friend's daughter Julie and her family
Banff, British Columbia - old work friend - Caitlyn
Calgary, Alberta - high school friends Jesse, Ben, Kerri and Becky
Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan - spa and camping
Winnipeg, Manitoba - Britt's friend / Manitoba Hall of Fame (friend Jessica's grandma's profile)
Minneapolis, Minnesota - Japan friends Pip and Anna Marie
Sault Ste. Marie, Ontario - Friend Jessica's family
Guelph, Ontario - HOME

Bobcaygeon, Ontario - the love of my life - JAMES :)

I'll write more later :)
Amanda