It's Saturday morning. 11 4 15. 15/15= 30. I mentioned to britt last night how I'm starting to get scared. She told me she can only imagine how it must be scary.
It's a funny thing fear.... opening up to the ultimate. Every man in my life has let me down except James.
I know I am intense. I know that I can be too much sometimes and the deepest parts of me knows that this man, my father is no different than any other man.
He never tried to come find me. He didn't search me out. I put this on him.... the man who stayed away.
I only hope that when I meet him I can stay true to myself. Be as authentic as I can be and come from a place of honesty and vulnerability and only hope that we mesh. That our insecurities don't sabotage the experience.
It is not an uncommon thing in my life to have a man that cares and loves me....avoid me. ... but I suppose it's all been preparing me to accept that I can survive anything that happens.
My friend Asylan said to me that all expectations dropped... It's me meeting my maker. That's what it is.
And that feels terrifying.
I am so glad that we did this trip like this. I'm so glad to have camped for the last week. I needed to get back to nature. I needed to get back to me.
I needed to trust myself on a deeper level. I needed to sleep under the stars. Listen to the sounds of nature. Push myself.
I needed to sleep on the earth and have her remind me that I am small. I needed to have her remind me that all my troubles are just ripples.... that I am here and go someday.... and to just enjoy the journey.
We are going to the red woods today.
2.5 years ago I met a man named Tyler and we spoke about the red woods. On the day I met Jamie.... We had a conversation about how I was going to let everything go...accept my fate and make my way out west.... the trees were calling me.
Jamie came into my life that same day. November 7, 2013. And everyday I told jamie that no matter how in love with him I fall... I have to go out west. I have to be with the trees and I have to meet my father.... 1.5 years later.... Today I get to go be with the trees.
1 week from today I will be meeting my father.
Yesterday we drove up from bodega bay to just past Westport. We had a glass of wine at the Pacific star winery and watched for whale spouts.
The night before we met a couple who reminded me of James and I and we camped with them.... they made Mr fall more in love with what I have. I am so lucky to be so in love.
the night before we stayed at sunset state beach park just outside of Monterrey.
The ocean is calming me.
I am so lucky.
Amanda.
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