I am so thankful to have spent the past two full days here. To get closer to our cousin.. a vibrant, beautiful woman who is so incredibly inspiring.. and who just loves me.
Britt and Lesley have given me insight into some of the questions I have had...
I have noticed how I'm struggling with being completely present with myself... like quiet in the presence of anyone else is so uncomfortable... something that I know I have to embody when I meet Patrick.
I know i have to be myself... but the calm version of me.... the patience I have fostered over my life... but something I have only really learned to foster inside during moments of transition over the past year and a half. ..... to feel safe inside... with others around... no matter what is going on.... it has all been leading me here.
to come to a place where I can let him give.. and to not have to fill up the space... to be okay in quiet surrender to the moment.
Every emotion has come up for me over the past 3 days... my energy has been very high and is only now finding its quiet again.
Lesley made a comment about how in a way I am finishing something mom couldn't... and that I am stronger than her in a way.
It's difficult to sit in trust when I feel so scared.... trust that the universe is always conspiring FOR YOU... no matter what the outcome.
But I know that;s what the next 2 days are for.... the trust. for everything to settle into me... and for me to become completely present to the space that is created by me meeting my biological father.
To let go of all doubts, fears and hesitation.. to embody the woman I have become and trust myself and create a space where he also feels safe.
I saw a rainbow today and was also in the presence of some very special sentimental objects that had a profound impact on my feeling so very priveledged and blessed....
to be here.
America has proven exciting, and friendly. We have had such an adventure.... and I am so thankful for all the souls that have taken us in, taken me in... met me for lunch... or on the road... everyone that has shared a moment with me.... and that I can take in my story. Your legacy is my story.. and I feel so blessed to have such amazing souls in my life.
I am so excited to be back in Canada... I love my country. I love our colourful money... and I can't wait to step foot on Vancouver Island..... my biggest dream.
My deepest desire.
My soul.
All I can tell myself right now is
JUST BREATHE
JUST BELIEVE
JUST BE.
Wish me luck!
3 days.
Amanda
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