I finally found my light.
I have talked to a few of the most important people... i could tonight....
Barry... my brother reminding me not to be nervous. My friend deb telling me that she loves me and that i am wonderful... to jamie about how if i dont have any expectations i can react to what is actually happening not to what im scared of happening.... to d'artagnon, britt and john.
Patrick and my entire relationship has been based on complete authenticity and vulnerability.... and that i just wanted to meet him as two adults interested in getting to know each other..... but then i started feeling the magnitude of the hope this experience holds from the perspective of my teensy self and it feels like i waited and fought internally for this my whole life.
Its like the magnitude of the relief became so overwhelming that i started feeling heavy again... concerned about the outcome.... terrified he wouldn't show up and i would seem like a fool.
Scared he wouldnt like me. ... worried about putting pressure and not knowing how to not have that happen.. .. i got so caught up in my thoughts....
And finally i have found my light again. That yes it is a relief. I deep relief but only in it is just a great chapter. No matter what happens this trip has been amazing... and i feel so blessed.... reconnecting with so many of the people i love has been so special and this is just another reconnection... that it should be the same as all the others.
Lori and the boys, amanda, sean, ron, Andrew, sandra, sally, jessixa and chris, Kristen , Dennis, Amy and stew , Heather and braden, David and Elaine , Lauren, Jodi and Aaron, vicky and her boys, jorje, rj and steph, ruth and her parents carrie and chris, patti, bob and will, asylan, bill, uncle rick, the redwoods, lesley and steve, ki, christoph and john, anya and john paul, rose and john, jamie, deb, and all the people back home and of course britt....
This journey has been amazing. My life is full of extraordinary people and i am made up of each person ....i have picked the best parts of all the people i have ever met.. and although i am still a work in progress... i like the person i am and the person i am headed to become someday and in the end... tomorrow is just two souls meeting that have something in common.
I am excited to see what the unknown will bring.
Whatever tomorrow brings... tonight is the end of a a very long chapter in my life and i am so thankful.
Tomorrow is the beginning of the rest of my life and i hope to be as authentic and bubbly..as crazy and intense....as bold and as loving and above all else... as present as all those who love me know me to be.
I am me and you have all proven to me that i am not all that bad. So thank you. For giving me the courage and strength to just be me... and for even being interested in my little..crazy... rediculous... life.
With all my gratitude.
Love and light.
Angels on your pillow.
Amanda Noelle Camellia Jones.
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