Leaving inveremere today...headed to jasper.
So sad to go. Went on an amazing tour of the golf course with the kids.... dreaming out loud....and hanging at the skate park...it has been lovely to be around kids again. Lovely to be around old friends.... dreaming of the day i get to actually live here.
Invermere to jasper.....
memories long past. The last trip i took with my mom and step dad. The last time we were still a family.
Special place that highway :) cant wait!
Well we have arrived and they are just as great as i have remembered. Married now with two kids they live in a beautiful house on the ski hill. Ive always wanted to live here... even for just a year.
I saw a wolf today.... 20 minutes after asking the universe to see one.
We made eye contact. Gratitude.
Serendipity rained on us as soon as we got into town...met 2 women from ontario. and the only person we asked for directions for the liquor store happened to work for my friends :)
Funny this journey...making peace with the past.
I am exactly where i am supposed to be.
God's country.
We ended up having to wait 3.5 hours for our ferry to cross back on to the mainland... we got in really late and my phone died, without a way to charging it.... we were so lucky to get a hold of our cousin and her fiancee :) we had a brilliant evening with them and i had such a good sleep :)
We were off the next morning...one last stop at the beach. One gift to pick up...and a few more postcards...
We were so lucky to know people in kelowna...and how gracious they were to host us :) fresh salad and a chocolate pot de creme home made with these amazing cherries on top....i savoured every bite....
And thank god for on demand we caught up on greys and game of thrones :)
Sadly i didnt get many pictures and the visit was too short.
Kelowna. Hard to leave the ocean. Hard to leave the magic. Hard to leave new friends that made me feel totally seen and heard and completely ok to be myself.
It has been 14 years since i found myself in Invermere, BC with one of the most beautiful families i know.
I finished high school a week early to get a job out west. I worked at bow lake for 8 days, sprained my ankle, one of the tourists sprayed bear spray in the gift shop and we couldn't breathe and i was accused of stealing 50$ while running for oxygen.
I was fired.... that day, mom's friends from high school, just happened to be driving through banff on their way to their cottage in invermere.... i was invited to join.
My first morning caesar, dirty scrabble and meeting mom's friend's amazing daughter ..and her boyfriend....
I had worn her daughter's hand me downs as a kid....
I spent Canada day long weekend there... ever since ive called it gods country.
I ended up getting dropped off at the hostel in banff and finding a job at a place called orca canada...my apartment had bright orange shag carpet and i loved every minute of it.
I got to go to stampede and go to one of the most memorable parties of my life
I haven't seen them since that summer and haven't seen her parent's since mum's wedding day.
Cant wait to see them.
Going back to my adult roots. Circa 2001
Where it all began.
Went to tofino to digest everything. Found the wildness in my soul.
Saw a full rainbow around the sun and then moon. Saw a whale and soaked in the hot springs.... played with magic fire in the rain
met a man who was there to scatter his father's ashes.
And made two amazing friends who were brought to us through a rainbow solar light bottle that had never worked before and never again.
I have never felt so small and never felt so big.... so calm and so wild....so present.
Amanda n.c. jones
I haven't posted because my thoughts have not come yet.
I can only describe it as beautiful.
Being inside all this love is a soul shifting experience.
He is everything i hoped he would be, my father.
He is warm and intelligent... interested in the world and interested in me. He doesn't seem to mind all my questions...and what is amazing is we are creating a relationship of complete honesty.
Its pretty beautiful... and i feel weightless. So much so that it is very difficult for me to bring it into words.
Im still finding little things in my head to worry about... but really its just habit.
I have completed a must do. And i feel privileged to sit in a pocket of completion and happiness.
I am so proud of myself for never giving up on my heart.
I told him that in the end i would have been ok no matter what happened or how he felt.. i just needed to know from him.
And this couldn't have gone any better.
It is almost too overwhelming. He is real... this man in my head.
I told him that i am scared about maybe getting a blood test... that if we found out he wasn't actually my biological father my entire paradigm would shift and i don't know how i would be.... he said ' well i don't know about you, but im almost 100% certain'.
He said he can see himself in me.
I cant even process how that feels.
Fucking genes :) lol. Its so funny the impact your genetic makeup can have on you.
I suppose he makes me feel more confident in being me.... that i am perfectly me :)
Couldnt have asked for a better person to get to know.
Going to get a tattoo today :)
Amanda
I finally found my light.
I have talked to a few of the most important people... i could tonight....
Barry... my brother reminding me not to be nervous. My friend deb telling me that she loves me and that i am wonderful... to jamie about how if i dont have any expectations i can react to what is actually happening not to what im scared of happening.... to d'artagnon, britt and john.
Patrick and my entire relationship has been based on complete authenticity and vulnerability.... and that i just wanted to meet him as two adults interested in getting to know each other..... but then i started feeling the magnitude of the hope this experience holds from the perspective of my teensy self and it feels like i waited and fought internally for this my whole life.
Its like the magnitude of the relief became so overwhelming that i started feeling heavy again... concerned about the outcome.... terrified he wouldn't show up and i would seem like a fool.
Scared he wouldnt like me. ... worried about putting pressure and not knowing how to not have that happen.. .. i got so caught up in my thoughts....
And finally i have found my light again. That yes it is a relief. I deep relief but only in it is just a great chapter. No matter what happens this trip has been amazing... and i feel so blessed.... reconnecting with so many of the people i love has been so special and this is just another reconnection... that it should be the same as all the others.
Lori and the boys, amanda, sean, ron, Andrew, sandra, sally, jessixa and chris, Kristen , Dennis, Amy and stew , Heather and braden, David and Elaine , Lauren, Jodi and Aaron, vicky and her boys, jorje, rj and steph, ruth and her parents carrie and chris, patti, bob and will, asylan, bill, uncle rick, the redwoods, lesley and steve, ki, christoph and john, anya and john paul, rose and john, jamie, deb, and all the people back home and of course britt....
This journey has been amazing. My life is full of extraordinary people and i am made up of each person ....i have picked the best parts of all the people i have ever met.. and although i am still a work in progress... i like the person i am and the person i am headed to become someday and in the end... tomorrow is just two souls meeting that have something in common.
I am excited to see what the unknown will bring.
Whatever tomorrow brings... tonight is the end of a a very long chapter in my life and i am so thankful.
Tomorrow is the beginning of the rest of my life and i hope to be as authentic and bubbly..as crazy and intense....as bold and as loving and above all else... as present as all those who love me know me to be.
I am me and you have all proven to me that i am not all that bad. So thank you. For giving me the courage and strength to just be me... and for even being interested in my little..crazy... rediculous... life.
With all my gratitude.
Love and light.
Angels on your pillow.
Amanda Noelle Camellia Jones.
Day 25. Victoria.
We made it..... crossed on the ferry this afternoon. Sitting in my god parents , rose and john's garden.... 25 years since they last saw me.
Woke up at 8am for kundalini yoga with Ki. If you ever need to cry.... kundalini yoga is for you!.... lovely release.
I suppose one of the hardest things in life is to give yourself permission to let go of the weight that becomes so familiarly natural. And letting yourself breathe in to the space of light.
Meeting patrick for lunch tomorrow on the infamous boat..... i left bobcaygeon the day after the new moon. I meet him on the new moon. Epic.
Overwhelmed.
Relaxed.
Nervous.
Happy.
At peace.
He has asked me to not post pics of him and i will honour that.... funny he got a daughter who pushes herself to be so vulnerable and open. Funny i got the dad who prefers to remain anonymous :)
In love and light.
Amanda noelle camellia jones.
8 years ago on march 20 I got this far.... to celebrate ki's 25th birthday. 8 years later i left bobcaygeon on march 21st. 27 days since i left my home. 24 days since we left canada together....britt and i.
In vancouver. Going to spend the afternoon alone. Breathing in this journey and reflecting on the fact that tomorrow i make the final step towards fulfilling a lifelong dream.
To become a fully integrated human being. Building love in myself and helping it grow in others. I am whole and wholy in love with myself and my life.
And for the first time i get to share it with the man that loved my mother enough to make me :)
I am so very blessed. And so blessed to have two of the very best friends a girl could ask for... leaving from Kristen s house and ending up here with Ki How lucky i am to be so supported and loved.
Om mani padme hum.
Amanda noelle camellia jones.
The red woods really stand at attention at the gates of glory.
Of all things knowing the red woods exist has given me so much strength. I have wanted to come here for as long as I can remember.
They withstand so much ... grow stronger each year and give each other space.
I feel humbled in this space. Like they hold the key.
They have seen so much and I feel honoured to be here among them.
I had to get here before I met my dad. I had to get this grounded. Like all my experience started off with wanting to be an ewok as an 8 year old. I love the forest.
I'm learning to make peace with mother nature and to respect her awesomeness and wisdom.
Love together...yet a part.
The redwoods give me strength. Courage. Confidence.
Love from the red woods.
Xo
Amanda
It's Saturday morning. 11 4 15. 15/15= 30. I mentioned to britt last night how I'm starting to get scared. She told me she can only imagine how it must be scary.
It's a funny thing fear.... opening up to the ultimate. Every man in my life has let me down except James.
I know I am intense. I know that I can be too much sometimes and the deepest parts of me knows that this man, my father is no different than any other man.
He never tried to come find me. He didn't search me out. I put this on him.... the man who stayed away.
I only hope that when I meet him I can stay true to myself. Be as authentic as I can be and come from a place of honesty and vulnerability and only hope that we mesh. That our insecurities don't sabotage the experience.
It is not an uncommon thing in my life to have a man that cares and loves me....avoid me. ... but I suppose it's all been preparing me to accept that I can survive anything that happens.
My friend Asylan said to me that all expectations dropped... It's me meeting my maker. That's what it is.
And that feels terrifying.
I am so glad that we did this trip like this. I'm so glad to have camped for the last week. I needed to get back to nature. I needed to get back to me.
I needed to trust myself on a deeper level. I needed to sleep under the stars. Listen to the sounds of nature. Push myself.
I needed to sleep on the earth and have her remind me that I am small. I needed to have her remind me that all my troubles are just ripples.... that I am here and go someday.... and to just enjoy the journey.
We are going to the red woods today.
2.5 years ago I met a man named Tyler and we spoke about the red woods. On the day I met Jamie.... We had a conversation about how I was going to let everything go...accept my fate and make my way out west.... the trees were calling me.
Jamie came into my life that same day. November 7, 2013. And everyday I told jamie that no matter how in love with him I fall... I have to go out west. I have to be with the trees and I have to meet my father.... 1.5 years later.... Today I get to go be with the trees.
1 week from today I will be meeting my father.
Yesterday we drove up from bodega bay to just past Westport. We had a glass of wine at the Pacific star winery and watched for whale spouts.
The night before we met a couple who reminded me of James and I and we camped with them.... they made Mr fall more in love with what I have. I am so lucky to be so in love.
the night before we stayed at sunset state beach park just outside of Monterrey.
The ocean is calming me.
I am so lucky.
Amanda.
It's so weird apparently my other posts haven't published and there isn't even the drafts saved :(
I can't use my other phone unless I have WiFi and so I've just downloaded blogger to our American phone... because of camping though I have to be conservative with how much time I use on the phone.... need it to still have power to call out if we need it.
We made it to the coast last night.... We woke up in morro bay California after an epic journey across arizona and the south of California!
Yesterday was full of wind storms, sand storms, rain, and an epic road through the foothills of southern California along hwy 58. Almost running out of gas... 70 miles took us 2 hours :)
I am so lucky.
Today has been so beautiful! Every turn as or more beautiful than the last. I'm finding myself more and more emotional at the thought of meeting my dad.
No matter how beautiful and amazing this trip is... how epic. Nothing will compare to meeting my maker.
No expectations.
I am the luckiest girl on the face of the planet....
I spent so many years feeling sorry for myself.... how could my mother die when I was just 20? Why did I have to feel so alone... my heart broken by every man I have ever met?
So that I could welcome this journey with open eyes and open arms.... knowing that my heart could handle anything.... I am strong. I am alive. And I am so blessed. Forgiveness and love are the only answers to our lives.
Being the fool and loving no matter what the pain or cost..... staying open to wonder. Holding innocence through experience... welcoming the dark with the light.
My night under the eclipsing moon... The grand canyon under full moonlight. Changed me. The half way point. Literally.
I climbed cathedral rock in sedona on Easter Sunday.... I stood in the vortex and felt the wind build around me.... I fought self doubt... I pushed myself... I trusted myself and the earth.... I'm making peace with her... mother nature.
Spending time with one of my mom's closest friends' daughters....who also lost her mother... to show her the deep love.... we've only met 4 times in our lives but we are deeply connected to the balance and through embracing the gift and gratitude of our loneliness.
This trip is so deeply epic.... I am in constant awe of the weather... of the people I surround myself with... of how every moment of my life has been waiting for this journey... and how thankful I am for Brittany.
I will forever be in her debt. She drives. I document. I feel so privileged to be forging ahead ....
I can't believe we have made it to the coast.
I can't believe we are 10 days from meeting my dad. Who am I to be so lucky?
How simple happiness is... to simply be present to the beauty... to continue to let go of all expectations.... to just be.
The sun is setting to our left.... as we cruise past monteray.... up hwy 1. Thanks uncle Rick for the suggestion.
In complete gratitude for this journey of self love. In hopes that I can share a little bit of my joy and love with all those that traverse this life with me.
As mum would say.
Angels on your pillow.
To the stars and back!
Xo
Amanda Noelle Camellia Jones.
