Getting behind!!! Day 4!

Im getting behind!!!! Too little time to record everything!

And then everything got deleted :(

Headed from n.c. to Atlanta today:)

Cant wait to see my brother Chris :) and his wife carrie!!!!

Long, crazy, weird day yesterday in wilmington. N. C. ..but atleast we got to put our feet in the atlantic ocean :)

Spent time with my friend ruth....who worked teaching english in korea at the same time as me :)

So lovely to see her!

Cold day today.... gotta run.

Amanda

Bobcaygeon to rochester via guelph. Part 1

The past 5 days have been a whirlwind.....
Thursday was a staff meeting and picking up my cat from the vet...finishing all the to dos, packing and putting together some things for james that will help while im gone like a collage of pictures of us and a message i videotaped for him.

Friday i worked until 5, finished up some things and then ended up just hanging out with james and our neighbour ron for the evening... the boys burned our old bed and i played a bunch of the songs i like.

Saturday morning i woke up at 6 to finish my packing and be out of the house by 8... to get to guelph by 11 for one of my oldest friends, kristen's son's (xavier's) 1st birthday party!

Sadly when i woke up it was freezing rain and snowing and it wasn't supposed to let up til the afternoon.

I decided to not push myself and just wait it out. To be honest... it was also really difficult to leave jamie.... so we ended up staying in bed and cuddling, i took him to work and decided to stay until he was done so i could drive him to our friend's (Amanda) birthday party that night.

I spent the day puttering.... and was filly packed by the time he was done work. We left and went straight to Lindsay. It was so nice to see her and her husband and kids and our other 3 friends before i left.... and i finally got the amazing hand knitted hat amanda made for me :) it looks like a rainbow cupcake :) i wear it all the time :)

I waited an extra half an hour so i could see our other friends sally and travis and took off immediately after they arrived..

The action camera Ki had helped me buy and i ordered hadnt arrived .... so another friend sandra offered to lend me her go pro :) which i then had to drive to toronto to pick up :)

It was difficult for both jamie and i to part... but i think we just wanted the parting to be over... so he walked me to my car.... kissed me goodbye and we both went our separate ways....

I found the place i was sipposed to go and it turned out to be near where my mom grew up and where her parents and sister are buried... so i ended up trying to find the cemetery without gps or a map..... i thought it would be fitting.... ended up getting turned around and drove by the house on islington avenue that she grew up on and ended up not getting to the church..   but it wasnt meant to be 

I got to guelph pretty late. Ended up going  out to find a few friends, one of which's birthday was the day before...

Got to see my friend lauren ...who used to work at the convenience store across the road from where i lived when i went back to school to get my sciences...2010 :)

And ran into a few others. Had a burrito :) before heading back to kristen's house.

Fell asleep about 3 am...  up at about 6 because Dennis and xavier were up and i had to see and hang out with the little man.... it had been almost 6 months! Man hes not so baby anymore :)

Cutest thing in the world is watching a 6'4" man walking a 1 year old around the house,  the little one attached only by holding dad's fingers for balance... slept again off and on for the next 2.5 hours and finally got up around 9...and stayed til early afternoon...just hanging out.

Man i love them so much...they have such a beautiful family and a beautiful house and i am so proud of them! And so lucky they are so hospitable with me just stopping in :)

Kristen is 13 days older than me...her mom was one of my mom's very best friend's...she is my sister...my dharma sister.

Ok thats all i got right now... we are in rochester. Right now ...headed to north carolina tomorrow...early leaving and late arriving.

Hopefully ill get to write more tomorrow :)

Angels on your pillow
Amanda

last week - march 18, 2015

Wednesday, march 18- one month from the date i meet Patrick. i got to go for lunch at red lobster with his son/my brother and his wife,  Patrick's brother/my uncle, his neice/ my cousin, her 2 kids, and james.

How fitting we would end up at red lobster....

When i was little there was a red lobster at keele and finch.... we were so poor so mum would take me there for a bowl of clam chowder and the treasure box....

My first date with my brother was at red lobster.

The saddest thing is they got rid of the treasure box!!!!

It was so nice to see them..... its been over a year and a half since I've seen any of them and hadn't even met my cousins youngest kid.

My uncle oliver was the one i called when i was 12 years old....he got me in touch with my brother.... but we have only seen each other a few times over the years...  my dad being the elephant in the room.

My uncle hasn't seen or talked to him since 1989..... so maybe now that i am bridging this gap...healing can happen. Here's to hoping!

My brother told me that he is happy this is happening and that my dad is only now at a point where he is relaxed enough for this to happen... i know so little about him.... so glad I get to meet him now!

After seeing them i stopped in on my friend lori, she is a very special person to me and it was so nice to see her before i go :)

Lori and i have been friends since i moved to peterborough.... our lives are so serendipitous and we have gotten each other some seriously difficult times. Her daughter carissa was killed in a car accident in 2012 and i helped her set up the carissa sepe rainbow foundation. You can join the group on facebook if you would like :)

She is a single mom... and I've spent christmases and summer afternoons with her. We had our picture in the peterborough examiner and we have grown together.

She leaves near the warsaw caves now... my spiritual sanctuary. How fitting to be back there before i go.

st. patts

this week has already been epic. I bonded more with one of the women at work and shared with her my letters from my dad to my mom when she was pregnant ....i reread the letters.

the next day was st. patts. i got to talk to my dad, Patrick, for the second time in my life.

thats me on the phone with him :)

my whole life i didnt really know Patrick's birthday.... everyone was so uncomfortable with the whole situation that i didnt want to ask... all i knew is it was in march. so st. patts was always the day i celebrated him. so it was extra special. we talked about the trip... james and my feelings about him and our plan to meet. :) we've decided april 18. ... so we can spehnd the day together.


then one of my favorite people jessica came over and her fiance, chris , james and i spent the afternoon/ evening celebrating st. patts.

11 days til we leave.

It was Patrick's 69th birthday on March 10th. I've always been fascinated with numbers.... a childhood obsession..... 3s have always, for some reason held a special meaning for me. My grandmother died on 9/30/89. I was 6. My grandfather died on 1/1/92, I was 9. My mother died on 8/12/2003 in my 21st year... and this is my 33rd year.

How fitting I thought.

Everything is working out. Everything is coming full circle and I am just beside myself at the experience.

The thing I am becoming most aware of through all this is how deep the sadness in my heart had to get for me to be able to appreciate this.

My oldest friend, Ki, is in Thailand right now. Today. She is stepping her footprints into sand that I stood in after my surgery in Thailand, where I stepped forward into this part of my life. That was the place I came to see that the Universe was conspiring for me.

How funny the universe works.

How strange it was that I had been to 3 other countries that year and never bothered worrying about travel insurance..... but I had a feeling... a whisper... that said.. just make sure... write down all the info just so you have it....

And 10 hours later I was in the emerg department in Bangkok, Thailand.

We were supposed to get on a bus to Laos the next morning at 9am. We already had our tickets.

But I keeled over 2 hours after getting to Bangkok... and somehow... by some miracle.... ended up at one of the best hospitals in the world...... the scariest thing I have ever been through.... another language.... in mortifying pain.... without a mother to discuss the course of action with.... I had to make a decision that would alter my life.... I had my insurance info with me.... it was going to be paid for. All I had to decide was whether I needed surgery. On my ovaries. A cyst had been found that contorted around the ovary and was on the verge of rupturing.

I had like an hour to decide.

I wanted to live. That's all I knew. I wanted to live.

I had never even broken a bone. I had never been put under. and I had never really taken any prescription drugs... I had no idea if I had any allergies.... I knew that I could react to anything they gave me... I knew that something could go wrong... and I knew I could die.

I gave myself to the universe that day. I said..... I am OK if I die today. I am proud of myself. I have no regrets. But... please.... let me live.... I have so much more I want to do. please.

I woke up. The tube down my throat.... gasping for air..... choking.... waiting for breath to enter my lungs..... terrified that I would never feel the gasp of air again..... and then slowly. slowly..... I started breathing again....... my shoulders feeling like they were going to pop off my body. (from the CO2 pumped into my body.) I was in pain.... a pain I had never experienced before. But I was alive.

There was a thunder storm out my window that night. I lay in bed breathing in the sound of the rain, the thunder and the lighting. I cried.

The next day I found out that they had removed an ovary. A shock that ran so deeply into my soul I never really talk about it. No mother... and an even better chance of not being able to have children. Even writing right now, I realize it's a feeling I haven't felt in a long time. An experience I rarely share.

All my friends told me that that;s why they make 2 :) and I believed that... ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN and you have to just live.

That experience catapulted me into a totally new space where for 2 weeks I heard in my head..... "you have to go home to the love. "

I would tell myself..... "you are lying to yourself that you are unloved... you HAVE to go back and find it... you have to prove to yourself that you are loved....whatever it takes... you have to."

I left Phuket and sailed down the coast of Thailand. Learned how to scuba dive at Phi Phi island and thought I was going to die when I saw a shark swimming near me.

I could have gone anywhere... but I wanted to come home..... I came home to the deepest love from my friends Thao and Lynda who just took care of me while I tried to figure out what was next.

They reminded me that I was loved.... and I started to see that it was the loss of my mother that had convinced me I wasn't loved anymore... and the feeling any kind of love would trigger the loss of her so badly that I couldn't stand the feeling.... it was comfortable to stay away.... to date men who were just as detached to themselves... our hurt and pain brought us together and I learned that I still needed to learn to love myself again.

I went to nursing school... because I knew that medicine saves people sometimes and even though I fully support my mother;s belief that emotions contribute to illness.... I also believe that staying alive right now is the most important decision... I'm alive because of it.

These past 3 years have been about me walking into unknown spaces, terrified of the outcome.... walking away from an abusive relationship, letting my family love me enough to help me find a car..... letting my friends and family support me from afar and love me even though I have been distant...... trying to let love in. .. letting go of everything when I couldn't support myself any more and trusting the universe..... and finding James moments after believing I would survive.. no matter what.... and that something just needed to shift and I had to go along for the ride.

I feel like a free fall right now.... I have never felt so loved in my entire life... and I know that it's because for the first time since my mother died.... I am accepting that I was fully loved by her.... and the feeling no longer triggers the sadness.... now... it triggers the deep gratitude I have for her and her letting me go..... I wouldn't be here without her death..... it is only in through losing her that I have been able to fall and climb back up. Knowing.... love comes from within.

Meeting my father is the result of me giving up all expectations. To get to a point where I just wanted to love and didn't need any in return. I forgave him for the pain that I had experienced in feeling unloved by him... abandoned.... and thankful that he played some spectacularly interesting role in my life..... I couldn't have been able to write such an exciting tale....... to wait 32 years..... for it to finally be happening and for me to be able to share the journey with all the people I just adore is such a spectacular gift.

So thank you for wanting to be part... thank you for being part, for the love you have all shown me... teaching me to come back to my heart, teaching me to love myself despite the circumstances..... and letting me learn how to love again.


Finding James, and being able to come home to James is the coziest feeling I have felt in years. I feel safe in this relationship, I feel authentic and real. I feel that we are completely open to each other and honour our pasts. We love each other, trying to still remain separate. I wished he was going to come on this trip with me, but alas he is not. At first it made me sad, and I couldn't understand what I was feeling... I became critical of him... annoyed..... then I realized that I was trying to make it easier to break up..... In my sadness of him not coming, I was scared of breaking up... so I was making it happen.

The second I realized that maybe I was creating the very thing I was scared of... and decided to shift the way I thought about it.. I remembered... sometimes the things you want are not what you need.... I am imagining sending him postcards and being old school love. Still connected, yet far apart.

There is something really special about giving yourself permission to trust and love that deeply still... and I am so thankful that we are letting ourselves love despite our disappointment of not being together and the distance.

Going on this journey, truly feels like a full circle moment. Patrick and I have built the foundation of a lovely, safe relationship.... I am In love with my life here and I get to see some of my favorite people in the process :) I honestly feel like the luckiest girl in the world... and it all started that day in Bangkok, April 7, 2009.

I will be with Ki for the last two days before meeting Patrick. Her mother was my mother's best friend. There were three of them, and 3 of us. I leave from Kristen's house and end up with Ki.

:) luckiest girl in the whole wide world here :)

angels on your pillow.
thanks for being part of my life... and being part of my story.

Amanda

March 2, 2015 (2/3/15) - 21 days til we leave

It's amazing what a little excitement and a little encouragement can do for someone.

I went to my great aunt's 90th birthday party this weekend. How everything truly feels like it is coming full circle.

Our cousins are so excited about our trip, you can see in their eyes how happy they are for us, for me... and how excited some of them are for us to come visit, and how some just want to know what's going on. Our cousin Ali said that she would love to be able to follow us.

I had been thinking about doing a separate blog for this adventure, but I didn't want to feel presumptuous....so many of the people around me are going through heart ache and turmoil I feel almost embarrassed to be excited about this.

But alas, our cousins excitement gave me permission to feel the excitement for myself. And I decided to start a blog. Here it is. 21 days until we go.

Brit was here last night and today we were talking about it.... planning out our itinerary.

Amanda:
Bobcaygeon, Ontario - home
Toronto, Ontario - brother Barry
Guelph, Ontario - Best Friend Kristen's son, Xavier's 1st bday party
London, Ontario - Visiting friend Heather and meeting her new baby boy.

Britt and Amanda:
Guelph, Ontario/Erin, Ontario
Rochester, New York - friends Steph and RJ
Durham, North Carolina/ Wilmington, North Carolina - Friend Ruth
Atlanta, Georgia - Amanda's step brother Chris and his wife Carrie and their family
New Orleans, Louisiana - Crawfish and good music
San Antonio, Texas - Cousin Patti and Bob and their family
Pawhuska, Oklahoma - Cousin Nancysu
Albuquerque, New Mexico - Friend Asylan
Sedona, Arizona - hiking
Mather, Arizona (Grand Canyon) - camping
Las Vegas, Nevada - partying
Yosemite National Park, California - camping/hugging trees
San Francisco, California - Friend Jahan
Napa Valley, California - wine tasting
Red Wood National Park, California - camping/hiking/hugging trees
Mt Hood, Oregon - cousin Lesley
Seattle, Washington - good music/touring Bastyr University
Vancouver, British Columbia - Best friend Ki, cousins Mel and Kel, Friend Christoph, Friend John
Victoria, British Columbia - Amanda's God Parents Rose and John, friend Bev, friend Rowan,
AMANDA's BIOLOGICAL FATHER Patrick

and then we make the trip back.
Victoria, British Columbia
Vancouver, British Columbia
Kelowna, British Columbia - cousins
Vernon, British Columbia - High school friend Tanya
Invermere, British Columbia - Mom's friend's daughter Julie and her family
Banff, British Columbia - old work friend - Caitlyn
Calgary, Alberta - high school friends Jesse, Ben, Kerri and Becky
Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan - spa and camping
Winnipeg, Manitoba - Britt's friend / Manitoba Hall of Fame (friend Jessica's grandma's profile)
Minneapolis, Minnesota - Japan friends Pip and Anna Marie
Sault Ste. Marie, Ontario - Friend Jessica's family
Guelph, Ontario - HOME

Bobcaygeon, Ontario - the love of my life - JAMES :)

I'll write more later :)
Amanda