It is a strange feeling going home. Sad to say goodbye to the travels... but excited to come home with new eyes.
I am changed. I am not sure how yet. But i feel different. Calmer. More sure of myself. More full of love.
I am day dreaming again. Thinking of all the places we went..... where i would like to live next.. or at least sometime along my journey of life.
It has become quite apparent to me that i want to keep moving. Trying on spaces. Changing faces.... building and deepening relationships.
Deepening myself.
I want to finish nursing school and learn to practice in the rural setting. I want to be able to go anywhere and get a job.
I don't need much to be happy. But adventure and nature... and people close to me that understand my true nature and want to show me theirs.
How blessed i truly am to have all these beautiful souls in my life. I only wish it weren't such a long way to see them.
I lost my marbles on this trip. I gave them away to almost everyone that effected me on this trip. A few passed me by before i remembered..... but it was to signify the frienSHIP. And to remind everyone of the child inside them that dreams bigger.... for more for our souls.
This was and continues to be an epic journey... one i am only beginning to process. Its difficult to reflect on something so personal.... especially publicly... but alas i believe that if i have any thing to share its my experience and the lens through which i observe it.
So..... i bow to the great and all mighty universe. For being so kind to my broken heart. My whole life i felt like if i just hold on... to forgiveness.. to kindness. .. to manners.... to learning... to adventure...to learning to feel and trust my intuition...to following my heart.... someday my pain will dissipate... someday i will be able to look back and see why the pain had to happen. I suppose its the consolation prize.... but really.. deep within my soul... it helps make me feel whole... like i am part of the light and dark. That my pain... feeling so abandoned and unloved...forgotten...betrayed..degraded...bullied...hurt...depressed...lonely...and unwanted...alone.... the pain and the loneliness gave way to something far greater than that. It forced me to make peace with myself.
I had to make peace with the choices i made. I had to make peace with the men i had chosen to give my time to. I had to make peace with my loneliness.... the quiet that all the hurt brought me forced me into reflecting... filling my time with only the things i enjoy. Forgiving myself for eventually wanting to just be alone.
I had to and ultimately have to ...forgive my mother... which on this... mothers day seems fitting.
I struggle constantly between feelings of betrayal... love.. understanding... forgiveness... but that my voice is tied. That the conversation cannot happen is the hardest thing to both figure out and to let go of.
All i know is the all pervasive thought through out this trip was that she had to die for this all to happen. And yet i believe i dont have to follow her road for my children to learn the same.
For others to learn the same. I have to just stay true to my heart. True to my dreams. True to what i still want to learn and where to go. Always being open to new experiences.
That my mother had to die. Yes. And yet i hate her for that. I hate her for leaving me with all this shit to figure out on my own.... and yet had she been there i feel i would have struggled so much with our relationship i would have pushed away so many of the thoughts i have had to have over the years.
In the end without her i start a new chapter in my life knowing patrick. There is no residual relationship. Its new.
The way every relationship should be.... that with every new person we can paint ourselves anew... over time discovering what parts of us make ourselves feel the best and holding on to those.... so when we get to the person that matters most... we are truly the people we had hoped to become.
I am proud of myself in a way i cant even express... i am humbled that my heart has taken me exactly where i needed to be for this to happen.
That i am... in a perfect pocket...and had been all along... that i am the light and the dark... the colours of the rainbow...of the sunrise and sunset....of a tapestry of moments..... like a 3D painting with texture and depth... with movement...i write my story... i take what i am given and know that it has always happened for a reason...
So that when sadness and darkness creep in again... i will always have this feeling to hold on to. Always a reference of reward for growth... that life is a cycle..a wave... and that as we grow things change... plans change.... desires change... to be willing to go with it... to find the positive and keep on moving.
And then i got to come home....
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As i wrote the title to this post and went to publish it.. i realized i didn't really finish reflecting on it being mothers day.
Lets just say i basically ignored this fact until it was over. I am triggered still by my mother not being alive. I suppose i just miss her. And love her epically. I don't believe everything she did...but she gave me the best foundation to grow out of her. She gave me all the tools i needed to survive.
She breathed life into me and gave me the questions to ask. She gave me unconditional love ... open...honest and vulnerable. Even if i didn't agree all the time with her methods... i couldn't have survived life without her being so transparent to me as a child.
We lost that transparency somewhere along the way... and maybe it was my highschool years that did it..forcing a wedge between us that we mended but never got to taste the fruits of.
I'm sad we didn't have the time to become friends... to become transparent again... to know about her as a person.
All i know is that she loved deeply... and so how sad it is that she didn't consider me in the will. How difficult it has been to forgive her for the lot of secrets she didn't share and the distance we left with.... for the time we could have had with knowing each other wholly and imperfectly.
I suppose that is what it ultimately is. To forgive her for not being here to share my life with... and believing that somehow we are. That our bond can never be erased that we are still together and that she has been sharing in it all with me.
If somehow there is part of her that can still sense me. I hope she knows how much i love her and how grateful i am that she chose the man she did to make me. How thankful i am to have my tale.
I once heard someone say my mother once joked that she had a tryst with an irish sailor and i was the product of that. Whatever i know. I was born out of love... a moment of time. Between two people that followed their hearts... And that has been where i have stayed...even if i didn't know it for all those years.
I miss her. My mother.
Mum....i miss you and wish i could share.... cry on your shoulder...be held in your arms. Hold you. I miss holding you. I miss loving you. I miss being amanda and dana. You are always in my heart.
Happy mothers day mum.
Angels on your pillow.
Xo
Amanda noelle camellia jones
