April 28 Vancouver and kelowna

We ended up having to wait 3.5 hours for our ferry to cross back on to the mainland... we got in really late and my phone died, without a way to charging it.... we were so lucky to get a hold of our cousin and her fiancee :) we had a brilliant evening with them and i had such a good sleep :)

We were off the next morning...one last stop at the beach. One gift to pick up...and a few more postcards...

We were so lucky to know people in kelowna...and how gracious they were to host us :) fresh salad and a chocolate pot de creme home made with these amazing cherries on top....i savoured every bite....
And thank god for on demand we caught up on greys and game of thrones :)

Sadly i didnt get many pictures and the visit was too short.

Kelowna. Hard to leave the ocean. Hard to leave the magic. Hard to leave new friends that made me feel totally seen and heard and completely ok to be myself.
It has been 14 years since i found myself in Invermere, BC with one of the most beautiful families i know.

I finished high school a week early to get a job out west. I worked at bow lake for 8 days, sprained my ankle, one of the tourists sprayed bear spray in the gift shop and we couldn't breathe and i was accused of stealing 50$ while running for oxygen.

I was fired.... that day, mom's friends from high school, just happened to be driving through banff on their way to their cottage in invermere.... i was invited to join.

My first morning caesar, dirty scrabble and meeting mom's friend's amazing daughter ..and her boyfriend....

I had worn her daughter's hand me downs as a kid....

I spent Canada day long weekend there...  ever since ive called it gods country.

I ended up getting dropped off at the hostel in banff and finding a job at a place called orca canada...my apartment had bright orange shag carpet and i loved every minute of it.

I got to go to stampede and go to one of the most memorable parties of my life

I haven't seen them since that summer and haven't seen her parent's since mum's wedding day.

Cant wait to see them.

Going back to my adult roots. Circa 2001

Where it all began.

April 26 - day 34 since leaving canada

Went to tofino to digest everything. Found the wildness in my soul.

Saw a full rainbow around the sun and then moon. Saw a whale and soaked in the hot springs.... played with magic fire in the rain

met a man who was there to scatter his father's ashes.

And made two amazing friends who were brought to us through a rainbow solar light bottle that had never worked before and never again.

I have never felt so small and never felt so big.... so calm and so wild....so present.

Amanda n.c. jones

April 21st - day 29 one month since i left bobcaygeon.

I haven't posted because my thoughts have not come yet.

I can only describe it as beautiful.

Being inside all this love is a soul shifting experience.

He is everything i hoped he would be,  my father.

He is warm and intelligent... interested in the world and interested in me. He doesn't seem to mind all my questions...and what is amazing is we are creating a relationship of complete honesty.

Its pretty beautiful... and i feel weightless. So much so that it is very difficult for me to bring it into words.

Im still finding little things in my head to worry about... but really its just habit.

I have completed a must do. And i feel privileged to sit in a pocket of completion and happiness.

I am so proud of myself for never giving up on my heart.

I told him that in the end i would have been ok no matter what happened or how he felt..   i just needed to know from him.

And this couldn't have gone any better.

It is almost too overwhelming. He is real... this man in my head.

I told him that i am scared about maybe getting a blood test... that if we found out he wasn't actually my biological father my entire paradigm would shift and i don't know how i would be.... he said ' well i don't know about you, but im almost 100% certain'.

He said he can see himself in me.

I cant even process how that feels.

Fucking genes :) lol. Its so funny the impact your genetic makeup can have on you.

I suppose he makes me feel more confident in being me.... that i am perfectly me :)

Couldnt have asked for a better person to get to know.

Going to get a tattoo today :)

Amanda

April 17 the night before.

I finally found my light.

I have talked to a few of the most important people... i could tonight....

Barry... my brother reminding me not to be nervous. My friend deb telling me that she loves me and that i am wonderful... to jamie about how if i dont have any expectations i can react to what is actually happening not to what im scared of happening.... to d'artagnon, britt and john.

Patrick and my entire relationship has been based on complete authenticity and vulnerability.... and that i just wanted to meet him as two adults interested in getting to know each other..... but then i started feeling the magnitude of the hope this experience holds from the perspective of my teensy self and it feels like i waited and fought internally for this my whole life.

Its like the magnitude of the relief became so overwhelming that i started feeling heavy again... concerned about the outcome.... terrified he wouldn't show up and i would seem like a fool.

Scared he wouldnt like me. ... worried about putting pressure and not knowing how to not have that happen.. .. i got so caught up in my thoughts....

And finally i have found my light again. That yes it is a relief. I deep relief but only in it is just a great chapter. No matter what happens this trip has been amazing... and i feel so blessed.... reconnecting with so many of the people i love has been so special and this is just another reconnection... that it should be the same as all the others.

Lori and the boys, amanda, sean, ron, Andrew, sandra, sally, jessixa and chris, Kristen , Dennis, Amy and stew , Heather and braden, David and Elaine , Lauren, Jodi and Aaron, vicky and her boys, jorje, rj and steph, ruth and her parents carrie and chris, patti, bob and will, asylan, bill,  uncle rick, the redwoods, lesley and steve, ki, christoph and john, anya and john paul, rose and john, jamie, deb, and all the people back home and of course britt....

This journey has been amazing. My life is full of extraordinary people and i am made up of each person ....i have picked the best parts of all the people i have ever met.. and although i am still a work in progress... i like the person i am and the person i am headed to become someday and in the end... tomorrow is just two souls meeting that have something in common.

I am excited to see what the unknown will bring.

Whatever tomorrow brings... tonight is the end of a a very long chapter in my life and i am so thankful.

Tomorrow is the beginning of the rest of my life and i hope to be as authentic and bubbly..as crazy and intense....as bold and as loving and above all else... as present as all those who love me know me to be.

I am me and you have all proven to me that i am not all that bad. So thank you. For giving me the courage and strength to just be me... and for even being interested in my little..crazy... rediculous... life.

With all my gratitude.

Love and light.

Angels on your pillow.

Amanda Noelle Camellia Jones.

Day 25 victoria

Day 25. Victoria.

We made it..... crossed on the ferry this afternoon. Sitting in my god parents , rose and john's garden.... 25 years since they last saw me.

Woke up at 8am for kundalini yoga with Ki. If you ever need to cry.... kundalini yoga is for you!.... lovely release.

I suppose one of the hardest things in life is to give yourself permission to let go of the weight that becomes so familiarly natural. And letting yourself breathe in to the space of light.

Meeting patrick for lunch tomorrow on the infamous boat..... i left bobcaygeon the day after the new moon. I meet him on the new moon. Epic.

Overwhelmed.

Relaxed.

Nervous.

Happy.

At peace.

He has asked me to not post pics of him and i will honour that....  funny he got a daughter who pushes herself to be so vulnerable and open. Funny i got the dad who prefers to remain anonymous :)

In love and light.
Amanda noelle camellia jones.

Day 24 vancouver.

8 years ago on march 20 I got this far.... to celebrate ki's 25th birthday. 8 years later i left bobcaygeon on march 21st. 27 days since i left my home. 24 days since we left canada together....britt and i.

In vancouver. Going to spend the afternoon alone. Breathing in this journey and reflecting on the fact that tomorrow i make the final step towards fulfilling a lifelong dream.

To become a fully integrated human being. Building love in myself and helping it grow in others. I am whole and wholy in love with myself and my life.

And for the first time i get to share it with the man that loved my mother enough to make me :)

I am so very blessed. And so blessed to have two of the very best friends a girl could ask for...  leaving from Kristen s house and ending up here with Ki How lucky i am to be so supported and loved.

Om mani padme hum.
Amanda noelle camellia jones.

Day 22/23 April 14/15, 2015

I have 4 hours to sleep... tomorrow we return to Canada... but I feel it imperative that I write a blog post before we leave.

I am so thankful to have spent the past two full days here. To get closer to our cousin.. a vibrant, beautiful woman who is so incredibly inspiring.. and who just loves me.

Britt and Lesley have given me insight into some of the questions I have had...

I have noticed how I'm struggling with being completely present with myself... like quiet in the presence of anyone else is so uncomfortable... something that I know I have to embody when I meet Patrick.

I know i have to be myself... but the calm version of me.... the patience I have fostered over my life... but something I have only really learned to foster inside during moments of transition over the past year and a half. ..... to feel safe inside... with others around... no matter what is going on.... it has all been leading me here.

to come to a place where I can let him give.. and to not have to fill up the space... to be okay in quiet surrender to the moment.

Every emotion has come up for me over the past 3 days... my energy has been very high and is only now finding its quiet again.

Lesley made a comment about how in a way I am finishing something mom couldn't... and that I am stronger than her in a way.

It's difficult to sit in trust when I feel so scared.... trust that the universe is always conspiring FOR YOU... no matter what the outcome.

But I know that;s what the next 2 days are for.... the trust. for everything to settle into me... and for me to become completely present to the space that is created by me meeting my biological father.

To let go of all doubts, fears and hesitation.. to embody the woman I have become and trust myself and create a space where he also feels safe. 

I saw a rainbow today and was also in the presence of some very special sentimental objects that had a profound impact on my feeling so very priveledged and blessed....

to be here.

America has proven exciting, and friendly. We have had such an adventure.... and I am so thankful for all the souls that have taken us in, taken me in... met me for lunch... or on the road... everyone that has shared a moment with me.... and that I can take in my story. Your legacy is my story.. and I feel so blessed to have such amazing souls in my life.

I am so excited to be back in Canada... I love my country. I love our colourful money... and I can't wait to step foot on Vancouver Island..... my biggest dream.

My deepest desire.

My soul.

All I can tell myself right now is

JUST BREATHE
JUST BELIEVE
JUST BE.

Wish me luck!

3 days.

Amanda